SAVAGE SANTA TALKS ABOUT NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS AND CHRISTMAS
Hey, Its savage santa and I’m going to cut straight through the bullshit and get right to the point. Last year’s Christmas a bunch of you asked for gym memberships, supplements, workout clothes, new sneakers, and even rolls of that saran wrap bullshit that all the lazy pieces of shit are using to “lose weight”. Well I delivered……and gave you all what you wanted. Even if you were on the naughty list…. and got caught by your wife meeting up with chicks from the casual encounters section of craigslist. I still held up my end of the deal, why? Well because I’m fucking santa and I’m jolly and shit. And what did you all do with your new fitness gifts? What happened to all your healthy new year’s resolutions? Well let me paint the fucking picture for you.
You woke up on January 3rd, went to your shitty job, fake smiled at your shitty boss, and came home and binged on pretzels and onion dip while watching 5 episodes in a row of your favorite show on Netflix. Sound familiar? Remember that gym membership? That one year contract you signed on January 1st? Congrats you just gave away a child’s yearly salary who works in a sweatshop piecing together those fancy fucking Nikes that sit in your closet. While you’re sitting on Pinterest creating boards of all shit you think will motivate you, you could have gotten in your car, put on some good music, and driven to the gym and done 30 minutes of weight lifting. But NOOOOOO There’s always Monday, there’s always tomorrow, you’re too tired, you have your period, your craving tacos, you got a flat tire, your dog needed to go for a walk, you had a headache, you had explosive diarrhea, it was probably from the tacos, and don’t forget there’s always January 1st of the next year. Right? I even sent Elf on the Shelf into the gym to keep an eye on all of you bastards, and do you know what elf on the shelf reported back to me? He looked at me in embarrassment and said he was fucking disappointed. I’m upset, I’m aggravated, I’m trying to help you people but you just don’t get it. I mean you really just don’t get it. You guys elected Donald trump to be your next president, Make America Great Again right? How about we start by making Americans less lazy. Stop watching fitness infomercials, stop wasting your money on bullshit and recognize the problem is that you’re a lazy sack of shit. I’m serious until you can look the mirror and admit to yourself that you’re a lazy sack of shit, you’re never going to snap out of the fake fitness marketing loop that you spin around in every year. You need to find exercises that you’re going to stick to, a workout program that fits your schedule, shit you enjoy doing! You need to eat foods you enjoy while learning portion sizes, macronutrients, and proper balance. No it’s not easy, Yes it requires effort however I assure you if you stick to your guns and start doing the things needed to reach your goals, it’s going make you truly happy, you’re going to feel accomplished and motivated. Don’ end up being another hopeless American standing in line at your local gym giving free cash to their business. Shit if you’re going to throw your money away how about leaving it in the hands of that bum on the corner that you so easily walk past without even glancing at. 2016 was a disgusting year but I still haven’t lost hope in you. I hope that my savage realness didn’t offend you but instead opened your eyes to the truth. Don’t wait till January 1st, start doing what you want to do NOW. There’s never going to be a perfect time to start. You’ve all created these fake illusions by calling them New Year’s resolutions or your new start. Just cut the shit and start putting in the necessary effort right now. I’m savage Santa, Merry Fuckin Christmas ya animals.